J.K. Rowling's Newest Novel

My brother Matthew is currently serving as a missionary in Uruguay for the LDS Church. He's been gone near a year and a half now! Crazy! So, my brother. In honor of my 25th birthday, he sent me the most fantastic handwritten letter—well book really. Now, Matt has a most comical sense of humor. He’s witty, random, and absolutely hilarious. Picture this: I open the envelope this week and pull out…the back section of a notebook. Meaning it really looked like a notebook, or a book with a cover page and all. Note the cover page details:

(must be read in a British accent)
Rachel Perry and the Prisoner of Bryantheman
by J.K. Rowling

Now, are you ready for the most comical missionary letter of all time?

Chapter 1: Fluffy Muffins
Rachel Perry was a New York poorish little girl who always had the opposite of ‘unkempt hair’ who lived in the basement of the attic of her apartment.

All of her life she had exercised and used her free agency to its fullest in serving others and improving her own talents. Up until recently, when she was horrendously and otherbigwordesly enslaved, or in other terms married, to the big, the great, renouned…Bryantheman.

No one could explain how the poorish looking girl could have fallen enslaven (in love) so quickly. But deep down inside of herslef Rachel Perry knew how Bryantheman had done it. It was done by the unforgivable curse of, do I dare even write it…Fluffy Muffins.

You see, the moment that Bryantheman caught site of the poor little girl’s beautiful eyes he cast the spell on her…

Fluffy Muffins,’ said he to her, ‘go out with me.’ There was nothing that could be done, the spell had been cast.
‘Yes,’ she resonded unable to fight the power of such magical words.

From then on Rachel Perry was in Bryantheman’s power. ‘Fluffy Muffins let’s go eat,” or “Fluffy Muffins lets go see Wicked on Broadway.’ All had to be answered with the word, ‘Yes”.

Chapter 2: Honey Cheeks, Sugar Lips, and Nectar Nose
Many a times Rachel Perry had tried to flee from or thwart the spell of Fluffy Muffins but without any success. Each time she attempted to flee from Bryantheman he would cast the summoning charm of Honey Cheeks, and without a pause she was summoned to him.

She loathed having to do the menial tasks, but rather than allow time for complaint, Bryantheman would state ‘Sugar Lips make me a sandwich’ or ‘Nector Nose give me a kiss,’ and it was done.

Chapter 3: The Meadow of Bellybutton Butterfly
Chance of escape seemed bleek…he was running out of names though. Bryantheman’s powers seemed to be running low as his new spells of Cookie Craps and Sporty Warts didn’t seem to last as long. He knew that he must find the spell to imprison Rachel Parry once and for all…eternity.

He allowed her to visit her family for a time in order to feel free from his spells. El cual caused her to forget how to fight against his oh so awesome powers.

In the meantime, he worked on casting spells on her family…to her father he bewitched…or bewizarded…by casting ‘papabear your biceps are ripped,” and her mother he charmed with ‘carebear, I like your hair.’

Finally he casted so deep in the family that he reached…the little sister Sarah. ‘Little girl, look at your curls,’ was the spell and she immediately took Rachel Perry on a drive to the meadow of…dun…dun…dun…bellybutton butterfly.

To make a long story short… Bryantheman was waiting there, ready to cast the spell. ‘Bellybutton Butterfly will you marry me?’ Said he to her…there was nothing to be done…‘Yes!’ she responded.

And she lived happily imprisoned (married) forever after.

Authors note:
Ok…I really have no idea why I just wrote that story. Haha. I just tore these pages out of the back of my journal and thought ‘hey this looks like a book, I should wrtie one to you!’ Then I remembered how greatly you dislike ‘lovey dovey pet names’ that guys so often dare to all women. I still remember what you said about when some guy called you ‘baby’ and you resonded by saying ‘excuse me infant?’ Anyways…Happy Birthday!

My note:
Tell me that’s not the most hysterical letter you’ve ever read?! He did go on to write a more "traditional" letter. But talk about the best letter introduction of all time! I mean honestly, what's better than a book all about me! And by J.K. Rowling no less! ...it may have been a bit different than I remember it, but brilliant nonetheless! I mean, how could I not be impressed with that creativity! Ha. I can just see him laughing at himself while writing this! Love it! Hope you find it as joyfully entertaining as I!

And footnote: FYI, my brother actually really likes Bryan! He's just being funny and having fun. Love him!

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